For Real Influence, Listen Past Your Blind Spots - Mark Goulston and John Ullmen

For Real Influence, Listen Past Your Blind Spots

More than ever before, people see through the self-serving tactics and techniques that others use to persuade them. They don't like being pushed, played or nudged to comply, and they resist and resent agenda-driven influencers.

The alternative is to use real influence to inspire buy-in and commitment. To learn how the best-of-the-best do it, we conducted over 100 extensive interviews with highly respected influencers from all walks of life for our recent book.

We found that great influencers follow a pattern of four steps that we can use too. An earlier post covered Step 1: Go for great outcomes. Later we'll cover Step 3: Engage them in "their there;" and Step 4: When you've done enough... do more.

Here we cover Step 2: Listen past your blind spots.

To invite genuine buy-in and engagement, we need to listen with a strong personal motive to learn and understand. But we have a "blind spot" in our brains that gets in the way. What we hear is easily distorted with our own needs, biases, experiences and agenda, even when our intentions are good. We often hear what others say without understanding what they mean. We hear what it means to us, not what it means to them.

We outline four different levels of listening, and the first three fall short of what's needed for achieve real influence.

Level One: Avoidance Listening = Listening Over
Listeners who listen over others are the people who say, "Uh huh," while clearly showing no interest in what the other person is saying. They look preoccupied, and they usually are. Sometimes they don't even stop checking their e-mail or texting on their phones while they're "listening." Level one listening can annoy, exasperate, or even infuriate the person who's talking.

Level Two: Defensive Listening = Listening At
This is listening with your defenses up, preparing your counterpoints while the person is talking. It's being quick to react and slow to consider. They're often seen as high maintenance, and over time, people avoid them because they're exhausting. This is the kind of listening that prompted Mark Twain to say, "Most conversations are monologues in the presence of witnesses."

Level Three: Problem-Solving Listening = Listening To
This is listening in order to accomplish things. Problem-solving listeners listen in order to move things forward. If people want your solutions, this is the right approach. But people will feel frustrated, misunderstood and even resentful if you presume to offer "fixes" they don't want or need.

Level Four: Connective Listening = Listening Into
This is listening of the highest order, and it's the human listening that all of us crave. It's listening into other people to discover what's going on inside them. It's listening on their terms, not yours. It's understanding where people are coming from to establish genuine rapport.

To master the art of Level Four Listening, resist the urge to defend yourself, explain yourself, or offer quick fixes. You can help more effectively later, when the time is right, if you don't pre-judge what another person needs (which might be very different than you think). Instead, remember that you are listening to learn. Ask questions like these:

What does that mean for you? How do you feel about . . . ? What do you think about . . . ? What's your take on . . . ? What's your perspective on . . . ? What was your first reaction when you heard? What's the best thing about that? What else comes to mind?

To put Level 4 Listening into practice, consider these questions:

• Who has modeled Level Four Listening for you in your life?
• When do you find yourself most challenged to use Level 4 Listening?
• With whom is it most important that you raise your level of listening?

Using Level Four Listening isn't always easy, but it leads to real insight and real influence.

Goay Joe Lie

Director of Joe Lie Beauty And Cosmetics